Hollywood (botox_hollywood) wrote,

  • Mood:

Picking up the pieces.

I don't know who I am anymore. The things I want and want to do are the complete opposite of what I should be doing. I'm happy, but I'm not happy. I have this feeling lingering over my head that won't go away. I'm always sad. The worst part is that I don't know why. Okay, maybe I do know why, but I don't see WHY it would make me so upset. I'm going off to college within about a year or so. Central is the plan. I wonder if I'll even make it there. I want to be a Public Relations Specialist. But I always have doubts. It sounds like a cool job, but I don't know if I'm even smart enough for the fucking job.

I hate my life. And saying that makes me hate myself. I know I have it better than most people my age. But I can't help but feel the way I feel. Everyday my life gets more and more confusing. It's like everything I do, say or touch turns to shit, or messes up. Especially in my home. I don't like being the black sheep of my family, but It's something I gotta work.

How can you be so happy, but so upset at the same time? The only thing that's keeping me afloat is Kevin.

I also feel like I should probably stop being such a stoner. What once started as a small drug I used only on the weekends turned into something I do ATLEAST 2 times a day. I'm spending so much money on it, and it's starting to wear me down. People always say that smoking pot is good for you, and all that mumbojumbo, but I can feel myself getting dumber. I think partially the reason why I'm so upset and have such a low self esteem is because I smoke so much pot. Ha.

...........but fuck it. If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die high.
That's so juvenile to say, but who the fuck cares.
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